Wooties: Infinity Plus One
Saga Genesis
Woot Shirt, Infinity Plus One
1st Place in Derby #303: Nightlife, with 255 votes!
1: In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
2: And the earth was without form, and void; and God realized he had taken on a much bigger project than he had anticipated.
3: And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And God saw exactly how much of a mess he was dealing with, and decided to set aside a week to work on it.
4: And God picked up some gum wrappers and folded some laundry that he had done the week before, but it didn’t seem to impact the clutter very much.
5: And God called his mom, because hey, that was something he needed to do this week anyway, and he could pick up while he talked to her.
6: And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and his mom said she didn’t think that was a very good idea. And God got frustrated with his mom, and changed the subject.
7: And God knocked over a glass and broke it and told his mom he had to go. And he could tell his mom was upset, but what can you do?
8: And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day. And God started putting together a playlist to listen to while he cleaned up, but ended up spending the entire third day putting together the perfect mix.
9: And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so. And that really took it out of God, and he figured he had worked hard enough to take a break.
10: And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good. But not, you know, great. But good enough for now. He’d get back to it next week.
Wooties: Mid Act-Three Conflict
Singing In The Dead Of Night
Woot Shirt, Mid-Act Three Conflict
Quoth the raven, “Not so fast, Senator Valducci.”
You? You dare? You dare come here? You dare come here and confront me? You dare come here and confront me in this place? You dare come here and confront me in this place in front of my family? I thought we’d finished you.
But no matter. You’re just one bird. You can’t stop me. You can’t stop what I have planned. Which, incidentally, is a far reaching plan to take over this entire planet by using the recording industry to sue their customers so that the underground will embrace the various high-quality downloadable files I’ve made of my birdsong and play them constantly in bars, record stores and coffee shops, giving me a legal basis to claim everything as my territory under avian law. Here are some documents, in fact, proving everything I just said. I’m not scared of you seeing them because, as I said, you’re just one bird and you can’t stop me.
Okay, boys. I’m gonna get in this helicopter and go to my meeting with the recording industry. You go ahead and mow him down with your powerful machine guns which he couldn’t possibly dodge by going left, right or up. I’m sure he can’t escape, no matter how many times he’s done it before. Oh, and attach this extra long easy-to-grab cable to the bottom of my helicopter, too. No reason, I just think it looks cool.
Wear this shirt: with other people wearing this shirt. Then call the police and report a murder. Then tell them, technically, more than one crow is called a murder and grin smugly. The bruises will probably heal and a good lawyer should be able to get you some money!
Don’t wear this shirt: and think it will give you mystical Ghost Dance powers or something. It’s just a freakin’ shirt.
This shirt tells the world: “You broke the cardinal rule.”
We call this color: E-Lemon-ate Him… For Good.
Strangest Spam Idea
I have seen the traditional scams before, where you win the lottery or have someone who died and someone wants to have you take the money and then share some back with them.
I even have experience with the ones where they are a doctor or someone overseas who wants to rent you their house really cheap and they don’t even have access to the house, they just picked it off an MLS listing somewhere.
This is a new one though… as some of you know, I run an ad on Craigslist where I offer to help people move stuff or do whatever with my truck, earns me some spending money and helps me pay for anything with the truck so I can keep it and it’s not a cost to me, if I break even I am good.
So I answered an ad someone had posted looking for someone to haul away some garbage to the dump… seems simple enough, and I got this back as a response…
Hello Applicant,Thank you for your interest in this job position posted on Craigslist. How are you doing, hope you are fine with your family, Thanks for your quick responds. We are in need of a cleaner for our newly rented apartment 3 days per week, 3-4 hours per day ($400 per week) and we will provide all of the cleaning supplies and equipment.Here are all the job details;I believe and understand you are an intelligent person and can do with cleaning job? So the Bedrooms Size is as follows: One of the bedrooms is approximately 11′ X 11’and the other one is 12’x12′, but not a perfect square, so probably closer to 100 square feet; it comfortably fits a full size bed, desk, Armour and chest of drawers…. The apartment is large (approximately 1,300+sf) and features the following: —Full kitchen with dishwasher, oven, microwave, etc..—Washer/Dryer —1 full bath / 1 half bath —central air and heat. The apartment occupies the entire floor of the building with direct access via the elevator. Also I would like you to know that all Tools and materials needed for the job to make it perfectly ok will be provided, So you don’t have to bother. I’m willing to pay the sum of $400 for this, I think this is a reasonable price since it’s just a 2 bed room apartment and you are only to clean the 2 bed room and the living room, it shouldn’t take more than a day or two for you to have the Apartment cleaned, You will be provided with the date and time by my new Landlady as soon as I’m done making payments to you for the cleaning. Pertaining to your transportation, My Landlady will be taking you to the Apartment in person immediately I contact her that I have finally paid for the cleaning service. I want the cleaning to be done before I get back to the States because I’m presently in PARIS, FRANCE for a Conference and I’ve already made arrangements for the payment and also the keys to the apartment, My Landlady will be showing you the Apartment so the location shouldn’t be a problem, she will be there to help you in and all you need. If you are interested in the job, I will instruct my financier to issue cashier check and mail it out to you via UPS or FedEx courier right away.Once again, I believe that is a reasonable amount for cleaning of the apartment, and I want things to go smoothly and fast so that the painter and the shipper that will be packing in my furniture can do their own job before my return. If you think you can handle this clean up perfectly and all the details as explained, kindly get back to me with the following information …Your Full Name:Address:City, State, Zip code:Cell Phone #:Home Phone #:Age:Hope to hear from you sooner and kindly let me know if you have accepted my offer. Thanks so much for your sincerity, till then have a nice day.
Wooties: No Face
Hack The Mainframe
Woot Shirt, NO!Face
It’s just like the movie “Hackers” but with hairballs
They said “How can a cat join an international hacking syndicate?” They thought that just because I lacked fingers (for typing), an advanced cognitive apparatus, and any formal software training that I couldn’t make it as an “Anonymous” hacker, but…
HACK HACK HACK … excuse me, I … HACK HACK. I seem to have something caught in my throa–HACKHACKHACKHACKGULPHACKHACKHACK.
What’s that? You want me to move off your rug? Don’t worry about it, I think I’m fine I just need to HACKHACKHACK ugh HACK.
What was I saying? Oh yeah! Nobody believed I could make it as a hacker…
Wooties: Soft Kitty
Meow
Woot Shirt, Soft Kitty
It’s from that thing!
Close cat-tioning for this episode of the Big Bang Theory is provided by the Society for Feline Literacy.
SHELDON: Meow, meow meow?
LEONARD: Meow.
SHELDON: Meow meow meow meow meow meow.
LEONARD: Meow! Meow meow meow meow meow meow!
SHELDON: Meow?
[Laughter]
PENNY: Meow, meow.
[Laughter]
SHELDON: Meow meow meow, meow?
LEONARD: Meow meow meow.
[Laughter]
PENNY: Meow meow? Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow! MEOW! MEOW!
LEONARD: Meow.
[Laughter]
PENNY: Meow meow meow meow?
SHELDON: Meow meow.
PENNY: MEOW?!?!!
SHELDON: Meowza.
[Laughter and Applause]
Wooties: Noooodles
Eating Habits
Woot Shirt, Nooodles
Noodle on this for a moment!
When broke college kids are hungry, they eat ramen noodles. But what do broke ramen noodles in college eat? Banana peels. Broke banana peels in college, meanwhile, eat dust mites. Broke dust mites eat ideas. That’s why it’s harder to think in dusty rooms.
Broke ideas in college eat paper. Broke pieces of paper in college eat rocks. Broke rocks in college eat scissors. Broke scissors in college eat paper. If you’re keeping score, that means broke pieces of paper in college have two predators. What we’re getting at it sucks to be broke and made of paper in college.
That was our whole point here. That it sucks to be paper. That was clear from the get-go, right?
Wooties: Geek Food
Kiddie Kibble
Woot Shirt. Geek Food
“Hello Mrs. Adams, how are you today?”
I’m fine, I’m fine, but I’m worried about my little creature.
“Let’s see … ‘Sam’ is this little guy’s name? That’s cute. What seems to be the problem with Sam?”
He hasn’t been eating his food, and it’s been several days now.
“Have you recently switched his diet? Sometimes they can be particular about those things.”
Well, yes, I did start feeding him wet food.
“That’s probably it. You need to introduce the new diet slowly, so his digestion can adapt to it.”
Oh thank goodness. I was worried he might have diabetes or something. I know so many indoor ones do.
“Well, from the look of him maybe it would be worth running some tests…”
UGH. STOP TALKING ABOUT ME IN THE THIRD PERSON, MOM. I’M RIGHT HERE.
Sorry, honey. I’m just trying to look out for you.
“Would you mind holding him down so he doesn’t scratch me, Mrs. Adams?”
Wooties: Online Debate Team
Spoilers!
Woot Shirt, Online Debate Team
It’s not what it looks like!
M. Night Shyamalan on today’s shirt:
So it looks like a normal athletic shirt, right? Typical font and layout. Just another Athletic Department shirt. Nothing special, right?
But wait! There’s a TWIST! It’s not a shirt for a SPORTS TEAM! It’s a shirt for a debate team!
That’s it, huh? Just a shirt that appears to be athletic, but is, in fact, for a debate team. Certainly, there are no additional layers here, correct?
INCORRECT! It is not a normal debate team shirt! It’s a shirt for an internet debate team!
But another twist: IT WAS A GHOST ALL ALONG!
Wear this shirt: into the internet!
Don’t wear this shirt: into the real world!
This shirt tells the world: “I have so many opinions, and I will fighter them… ineloquently.”
We call this color: KELLY GREEN IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN LEBRON! JUST LOOK AT THEIR STATS!
Wooties: Meow
Woot Shirt, Meow
Cats Cats Cats!
3rd Place in Derby #321: Text as Art, with 208 votes!
Buzzfood Lists: 11 Broken Images Of Cats You Wish You Could See!
1. This cat who totally thinks he’s a dog!
2. This cat who totally thinks his an iguana!
3. This cat who totally thinks he’s a social media intern!
4. This cat who totally thinks he’s George Clooney!
5. This cat who is checking his bank balance on an ATM and then smiling at the result!
6. This cat who is running for and successfully winning the Mayorship of a small Nebraska town!
7. This cat who taking a bite of a burger at a fancy gastropub, complaining it is under cooked, and getting it removed from his bill!
8. This cat who’s solving the equation ([{15x^(7/2)y – e^(x)} * 7.6e] + [38/5]e)*e(x^2+[3/2y^3]) and explaining his reasoning to a group of young scientists!
9. This cat wearing a business suit, drinking a scotch, smoking a cigar, and reflecting on his long career in finance!
10. This cat preparing a duck to be roasted and substituting a mixture of cumin and cinnamon for a result that is unconventional but nonetheless tasty!
11. This cat who totally thinks he’s an officer in the French military circa 1501!
Wooties: Some Motivation Required
The One Million Years B.C. Diet
Woot Shirt, Some Motivation Required
1st place in Derby #83: Exercise, with 1445 votes!
With nary a Pilates class on the entire planet, how did our cave-bound ancestors develop the well-defined pecs and abs we see in textbook illustrations today? Of course, it wasn’t running from dinosaurs. The archaeological record suggests that early humans were bred as pack animals by the Vorgoxxii, a race of alien silicon miners from a planet beyond the stars. They only looked like dinosaurs.
Wear this shirt: so people know why you’re not exercising: lack of large predators in your area.
Don’t wear this shirt: under the assumption that it in any way refers to the novel or film known as Jurassic Park or any sequels or other works deriving therefrom, without express written consent of all parties with a valid claim to any portion or aspect of said intellectual property.
This shirt tells the world: “The real monster I’m running from is Little Debbie.”
We call this color: Tyrannosaurus Blax.